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The Fist Lays the Smackdown! for 09/11/09 |
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THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN! I have to start us off with a little history lesson. The Undertaker is old. Very old. The things I will be saying about him throughout the rest of my article tonight (and probably until he retires or shows me something truly epic now, not in the past) will not be kind. Those of you who feel The Undertaker is the greatest thing ever, perhaps you were right at one point. At this instant, however, the author reserves the right to call him old, broken, and barely above Khali and Big Show in ring wrestling capabilities. There I said it. Hey, did you hear that? That's the sound of the Undertaker's bells tolling over the arena! Yes, all of you people who think 60 year old guys with bad knees are awesome, you better wait ten years, because the Undertaker actually shows up first thing in tonight's SmackDown! Way better than then advertising him all night and giving him 30 seconds at the end of a show. Oh, how cute, they gave him a little microphone and everything! "I am totally goth! What do you mean Goth stopping being cool, and it's all supposed to be Emo now? At least I'm gonna win the belt!" CM Punk's music shoots up after the Undertaker claims something about stealing Punk's soul or some nonsense. Punk knows he's a man, not a magician! He apparently also believes he's stronger than the greats of the ages. It's good that BOTH of these men are riddled with hallucination. MATCH #1 IS A BELFAST BRAWL FINLAY VS. MIKE KNOX Finlay starts the match with a series of hits before Knox gets a power slam in. Rather than go for a cover, he rolls out of the ring and looked like we was going to get something under the ring, but Finlay countered with a baseball slide. Then as he attempts to knock Knox's face into the announcer's table, Knox blocks it and slams Finlay's instead. Then Knox gets a chair, only so Finlay can counter with a low hit and take the chair for himself. Both men reenter the ring, and Knox kicks the chair from Finlay's hands leaving both men dazed. You know what this means! COMMERCIAL BREAK! We here enjoy our pets just like we suspect you do. So, I want to present you with The Fist's Cat and Dog food! It's 100% meat and is so good even babies can eat it. The Fist's Cat food is, as you might suspect, made from 100% real cats! The Dog food, however, is made from babies. We come back to watch Knock land a backbreaker Finlay down upon a sat up steel chair. Finlay rolls out of the ring, only so Knox can find some trashcans under the ring. Knox throws three of them on him before kicking Finlay over the security barrier. Finlay blocks a punch and gets clotheslined over the barrier again. Finlay climbs up to the top, and gets caught by Knox only to be rammed back into the barrier. Knox continues to smash garbage cans (if you can call them that) before getting a table out from under the ring. Knox sets it up in the corner, giving Finlay time to get up and grab a trash can of his own. Knox shrugs it off and continues the attack. Knox goes for a flying crossbody, but Finlay lands a shaleighleigh to his head midflight. Finlay rolls Knox off of him and gets the pin. WINNER - FINLAY Match Rating - 5/10 I think Knox had a much better showing than I'm used to seeing from him. I think it would have done him some good to win that one. *shrug* We see Dolph coming to Maria's door, but before he can knock Michelle McCool starts getting all flirty and making me sick. She knocks on the door for Dolph, but Layla comes out instead. Nope, not in here, they say. Aww. Oh no! Michelle falls and gets Dolph into a compromising position! What's this? Layla took photos of it on her cell phone? Shock! Apparently, Bob Barker was the host of Raw this past week. It was... well, it was a show. MATCH #2 DAVID HART SMITH VS. THE GREAT KHALI What?! Who the hell set THIS match up? And luckily before this sham of a match starts, Kane interrupts and attacks Khali from behind. Did I see that coming? Yes. Did you see it coming? Of course you did. Look at what the match was supposed to be. Kane beats on Khali in the corner with a series of punches before rolling out of the ring to get himself a singapore cane. Really? Trashcans, chairs, and canes under there? What's next, a refreshing Vanilla Coke? (Hah!) As Kane climbs back into the ring Khali decides to just head chop Kane before he can swing the stick. Kane crumples like a cheap plastic bag. Khali lands a VERY sloppy Punjabi Plunge on Kane. Like... really sloppy. Khali poses in victory. MATCH #3 THE BIG SHOW AND CHRIS JERICHO VS. CRYME TYME Jericho starts off the victim of a series of quick pin attempts, but Jericho naturally kicks out. JTG tosses Jericho out of the ring, while Jericho whines and throws a professional grade hissy fit. This leads us to.... COMMERCIAL BREAK! Have you heard about the vulgar diamond trade? Warlords of small nations send men and women to die in these diamond mines, just so rich and fancy people can have a little more flash in their teeth. Well, The Fist feels the pain of those broken people, and give you "The Literal Blood Diamond!" These diamonds are actually made from the literal blood and sweat of the diamond miners that make all the top 1% of the world's wealth that much richer! Please, never use a Literal Blood Diamond to propose to your sweetheart... unless she's an African Warlord too. We see JTG with Jericho in a modified armbar. Jericho powers out, only to get himself nailed by another JTG jumping leg drop. Shad tags in, and he dominates Jericho for a bit before tagging in JTG again. Shad flips JTG onto a grounded Jericho for a 2 count. JTG tries to stomp on Jericho, but her gets to the ropes, forcing a rope break. This gives Jericho enough time to get up and land a cheap shot so he can tag out. Shad tags in too, and Show tosses Shad into the ropes. Show tries a body splash, but Shad dodges and goes to the second rope. He leaps towards Show, only to get chopped down. Jericho and Show seperate Shad until Shad counters a bulldog from Jericho with a power slam, giving the hot tag to JTG. JTG tries to land some punches on the cornered Jericho, but Jericho is wily and powerbombs JTG and goes for the heel pin, but JTG kicks out at 2. Jericho decides to try a Walls Of Jericho, only to get rolled up by JTG for another 2 count. Jericho tries to whip JTG out of the ring, but he holds on to the rope, and kicks Jericho away. This, of course, is when the Big Show lands his 'KO Punch', and Jericho gets the pin. WINNERS - BIG SHOW AND CHRIS JERICHO Match Rating - 6/10 Not a bad showing by either team, but it seriously could have been better. What do you expect on regular TV? Vince McMahon visits his man Teddy Long backstage in what is SURE to be another amazing and riveting visit. It wasn't. Apparently, though, next week something "Earth Shatteringly Awesome" will happen on SmackDown. MATCH #4 CHARLIE HAAS (Jobber Of The Night) VS. JOHN MORRISON Hass starts out pretty quickly with a series of Armbars. You can tell I'm gonna love this match. Morrison eventually powers out, lands a drop kick, and goes into his standing shooting star press for a 2 count. Morrison pick up Haas and whips him to the ropes, and misses with a sholder charge, giving Haas a chance to simply work on Morrison's arm some more. Haas tries for a top rope armbar, only to get kicked down into a Starship Pain. 1,2,3. WINNER - JOHN MORRISON Match Rating - 3/10 This is the worst Morrison match I've seen. Granted I only started watching again after I started doing these articles... Morrison takes the mic and exclaims how awesome he is! Then, he's decided that a video montage about his win last week for the Intercontinental Championship. Dolph Ziggler doesn't feel that montage was as awesome as all that. Dolph earned his title shot, and he wants it! Morrison offers his title shot right now, while calling Ziggler "Mr. Ziggles." Apparently, Dolph does not like it. He threatens to leave if people don't stop calling him that. So, Dolph follows through and leaves. Matt Hardy takes a little interview time to say he's going to watch Punk tap both tonight, and on Sunday at the Breaking Point. MATCH #5 MELINA VS. LAYLA Michelle hits Melina with her crutch, and Layla picks up the win. WINNER - LAYLA Match Rating 2/10 Still hair and screaming. R-Truth comes out to an interview! He says "Yay! The Party is on!" He then uses a bunch of slang that sounds vaguely sexual, only for Drew MacIntyre to attack him from behind. Yep. A meaningful encounter for sure. MATCH #6 IS A SUBMISSION MATCH CM PUNK VS. MATT HARDY Hardy starts us off with a series of neckbreakers, and then applies a neck wrench. Then he works on Punk's knees. Hardy gets greedy and tries for a figure 4, but Punk kicks him to the corner and tosses him shoulder first into the ring post a few times before... COMMERCIAL BREAK! The Fist believe that car safety is important. So whenever you're on the road, carrying highly confidential documents, you need to be able to stop those mafia ninjas from stealing them. How? With The Fist's Tire Shredders. Just one push of a button on your steering wheel will cause metal spikes to shoot out from your tires into your would be abductors car. Warning : The button looks just like your car stereo's 'power' button. Do not fire into a playground or into the wilderness. Will cause a forest fire, even if you're nowhere near one. Punk seems to have gotten the upper hand during our break, with a knee drop from the top rope. Punk proceeds to lay in his own submissions to Matt's neck with a head scissors. Hardy powers out holding Punk's leg, which sets up a Punk inzugiri. Punk goes for the running knee into the corner, but as he goes for the bulldog afterwards, Matt catches him with a shin breaker. Matt then applies a figure 4, that Punk rolls over to lessen the pain and gets a rope break. Both men are now hopping on one foot. Matt lands a few hard hits before pulling out a Side Effect. Matt tries for a Twist Of Fate, but Punk counters it into a GTS, which due to his bad knee is blocked. Then Matt pushes him over and puts in a single leg Boston crab. Punk powers to the rope again. As Punk slow gets to his feet, he lands a roundhouse kick to Hardy, which knocks him cold. This allows Punk to lay in the Anaconda Vice, and Matt is forced to tap. WINNER - CM PUNK Match Rating - 6/10 As far as submission matches go, I kinda liked this one. They made it entertaining. Something rare. The Undertaker takes the opportunity turn out the lights and steal the championship belt. He stands at the entrance holding it as SmackDown closes. SHOW RATING - 4/10 You'd think for the high match values, I'd feel differently. Well, with nothing else going for it... I was just unimpressed with this pre-PPV showing. How sad. Thanks for reading everyone, I'm freaking awesome, and I'm out! Views: 680 
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COMMENTS |
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Comment # 1
Great article, Ms. Snapples!
Posted by St. Anarchy on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 2
Yay me! I'm #2 :D
Go snappy! Can't wait for next weeks like always :D
Posted by The Nemesis on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 3
You compare Khali and the undertaker? when less than a year ago he performed in what is being considered as one of the best WM matches ever?
last time i read your article.
Posted by Daniel on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 4
Anaconda Vise FTW!
Also, great job, Snappy!
Love the commercials.
Posted by Chris Legend on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 5
Daniel - Oh no! You've broken my fragile feminine heart. I have no idea how I can possibly live with myself if you don't adorn me with scads of affection!
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 6
okay... i hate your sarcasm
Posted by Rafa on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 7
Once again making my ratings system seem completely out of sync. What I wouldn't give for a Belfast Brawl... so many trash cans!
I'm getting pretty tired of Teddy Long being on probation though, while Tiffany's swanning around on ECW. Everyone loves Teddy. Also, little harsh on Taker, given that his last match was an absolute classic.
Posted by The General on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 8
wwe is crao and smackdown gives an example of why they are shit
Posted by the truth on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 9
What the fuck is crao?
Posted by ??? on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 10
I didn't really enjoy the article, and I think you gave some of the matchs low ratings when they deserved to be a bit higher. And I'm no Undertaker fan, but you seemed to bash him a bit, hes not that bad. He can put on a decent show. The Matt Hardy and CM Punk match was pretty good really, the main events I've seen on Smackdown aren't really that good, but this time it was fairly good. Also, Chris and Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme in my opinion, was a great match. And I agree, it could have been better.
I was really sad with the Belfast Brawl, it was pretty much Mike Knox controling the whole match, and I believe that when Knox threw Finlay at the table, I think it was suppose to break. To bad it didn't.
Posted by Knuckles on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 11
Just what we need, another neophyte tearing down the last remaining greats so he or she can appear oh so cool and fantastic. Your style of writing is the number one thing wrong with the internet: All you need is a rudimentary computer and you're "the expert", even though you "just started watching when you began writing these articles". The Undertaker deserves more respect than you give, then again, most people do. I will not be continuing to follow your self-important rantings. I could write circles around you and show a historical wrestling knowledge. Most importantly, I don't feel the need to tear down a wrestler just to feel cool for the 8 people reading.
Posted by Blue Demon Jr. on Monday, September 14, 2009
Comment # 12
Everyone... Boo-(censored)-Hoo. So you don't like the article, don't go bashing it.
Undertaker is a good wrestler but Snappy is right. Undertaker is not as nimble as he once was. Of course, the Undertaker has my respect, he is always will, as do every other performer that steps into that ring.
Blue Demon Jr. - You just said that you could write circles around this article? You want to do a better job? Contact the publisher and do a better job. Put your money where your mouth is, shut the (censored) up and do something about it.
We tear down wrestlers because they do things wrong, they screw up or they are just terrible. Why do you think i stopped watching ECW?
And as far as the historical wrestling knowledge? When you crawl away from wikipaedia and actually take on myself, snapshot or Johnny Blaze... you'll find out exactly how much wrestling knowledge you have.
This is HER article. She informs the public of her interpretation of the events of Smackdown for the past week. You don't like it? Read somewhere else.
Snappy, loved the Vanilla Coke reference :P. I totally agree with every match and I will always be a fan of your articles.
You've been a reader.
- Nem
Posted by The Nemesis on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Comment # 13
See, it's not that the Undertaker was never good. Quite the contrary. For a *long* time, he was an amazing wrestler with power and charisma to spare. However, now? He's a human being who's getting older. It's like Ric Flair's last year or so. It was like "Wow, that's some gut you have there. Ooh, a Figure Four." There just has to be a point to where you say "This is a good time to retire."
Had he retired after his epic match against Shawn Michaels, kept his 17-0 streak in tact, and faded into the history books gracefully, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
As I said above, one match every 2 months does NOT make you someone to be feared. Appearing at the end of a show to chokeslam a champ, rather than actually fight them does not make you a threat.
It makes you a jobber.
I would love to see the Undertaker kick ass like he did 6-8 years ago, but it's simply not possible. Can't we just be happy that he's been kicking ass for 20+ years? Doubtful. People will always want to see him do his thing until he drops dead, or his arms fall off from being to damn old.
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Comment # 14
to be fair rics last match was pretty damn good, and being as old as he is he could still take bumps and put on a show, thats pretty special in my book.
And the undertaker still looks good, he still inspries the fear he did 5 years ago and his matches are never boring to watch..
and i always thought a jobber was someone who was in a match to lose and make the other guy look good? how is a chokeslam to the world champion jobbing?
Posted by Daniel on Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Comment # 15
To be completely fair, I have always been a fan of the deadman, but i find your analysis of 'Taker a somewhat accurate. Although I wouldn't compare him to not-so-great Kahli, he does seem to be losing some of his ability. I don't really watch SD!, but from what I saw at WM25, He's still got that 'big match' ability.
Posted by Josh on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Comment # 16
Very nice article, Snap. And to everyone else, this is a commentary report and the author may give her opinions. If you disagree thats fine but do it repectfully.
Craziness Fact: On Hulu, WWE removed all the trashcan shots in the Belfast Brawl and replaced them with shots of the fans. Ugh! Ruined the entire match. Since when is trashcan shots rated above PG?
Posted by Von Ryan on Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Comment # 17
Von Ryan - Yeah, I used to watch it on Hulu (Until they stopped posting it within the duetime for my article to get turned in. >_>) and was always disturbed by that fact. Apparently, normal TV is less important than the web? The Web doesn't have the FCC looking at it, and they candy coat it? Shame shame...
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Thursday, September 17, 2009
