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The Fist Lays the Smackdown! for 08/21/09 |
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THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN! After the lame way they ended last weeks show, we already know our main event. A pair of Hardy's and a Morrison team up against The Hart Dynasty with CM Punk. Let's hope it's not as completely terrible as I suspect it is. Wait? What? The first match is ALSO a 6 man tag? Crap. We're doomed. MATCH #1 REY MYSTERIO and CRYME TYME VS. CHRIS JERICHO, BIG SHOW, and DOLPH ZIGGLER Wow! What a great way to work on TWO different matches at SummerSlam at once, while keeping all the competitors healthy, since none of them have to work all that hard. What a completely great way to make me want to leave and get a sandwich! Well, nothing really all that exciting happened until... COMMERCIAL BREAK! The Fist brand catnip proudly presents "neuter every dog week." It's a week where everyone should neuter *every* single dog ever. This will prevent them from breeding, and then we'll finally be able to have the cat world that my kittens keep demanding I make for them. Aww, the match is still going. Team Face gets hot tags and a few double teams on whoever happens to be in the ring. Team Heel operates on seperate and pain delivery. After a hot tag, Shad does some house cleaning and lays Jericho out on the mat. He tags in Rey who stands completely upright on Shad's shoulders, and splashes onto Jericho. Ziggler makes the save though. Shad cleans Ziggler out, Show takes himself and Shad out, and it leaves just Mysterio and Jericho in the ring. Rey connects with the 619, but gets hit with Show's Knockout Punch. Ziggler tags in and gets the pin. WINNERS - TEAM HEEL Match Rating - 4/10 6 Man Tags have to much stuff going on, but none of it MEANS anything. Besides the two spots I mentioned, it was a lackluster match at BEST. A pair of "As seen Last Week" promos... First how DX got rocked by Legacy on Raw (I guess... I don't watch that show), followed by Jeff and his Handicap match. You can see all about it in my report last week. This leads perfectly into a nobody interviewer talking with Matt Hardy. He tries, and fails, to paint himself as the older brother who couldn't get over his more successful little brother. "The Hardy's will ride again." Failure. Kane chooses to let people know that the only dominate giant on SmackDown is not named Khali. "Khali is weak because he loves! Khali isn't a monster! Monsters don't have hearts. Oh, and all those times I ran from you? I wasn't running... I was... luring you... into... something... stupid?" Khali comes to the ring, and Kane runs for a chair. Kane swings, Khali swats it away. Kane runs off, not afraid though... No. He's NEVER afraid of Khali... MATCH #2 MIKE KNOX VS. FINLAY Knox takes the entrance to do a little promo about fear reflex or some nonsense. Finlay, however, starts running this match. Knox turns it around with a punch to the face and uses that as a pretense to put lots of pressure on Finlay's back using various hold and a couple knees to the back. Knox gets a DQ though for not breaking his 'submission hold'. That submission, I should mention, was just a series of forearms to Finlay's head. WINNER - FINLAY Match Rating - 3/10 I'm starting to get depressed about how sad this show is right now. Knox decides that the match isn't over, and now it's a no DQ match. Yay! He rolls Finlay outside, and gets the steel steps ready. As he moves to get Finlay though, there's that shaleighlie! Knox no sells it like a champ and kicks Finaly in the face. Then, picks up the steps he was going to slam Finlay down on, and chooses to smash him in the face with it instead. Aww, the whole arena gets set up with ladders as Jeff Hardy comes down to the ring. Jeff takes his time walking under each and every ladder. It's like they need to fill some time with meaningless garbage (like 6 man tag matches) or something. Jeff apparently feels really good about his odds, but CM Punk interrupts Jeff's meanlingless chatter with his theme song. "Jeff, you can't be thinking straight, because CLEARLY you're high if you think you're gonna beat me. I don't know what's worse... You being a moron, or the fans being morons for thinking you win. TLC might be 'your' match, and it is. It's going to be YOUR LAST MATCH! DUN DUN DUUUUNNNNNNNN!" Jeff starts waxing poetic about how he can't have his legacy erased by one match. Punk gets tired of listening, and pushes Jeff's ladder over. Jeff lands on his feet though and nails Punk with a Twist of Fate. The actions, however, shook the ladder and it bonked both of them in the head. Ha. Ha. Michelle McCool will be watching and commentating on the next match.... MATCH #3 MARIA AND MELINA VS. NATALYA AND LAYLA McCool starts this commentary with "The only thing worse than Maria's athelticism is her outfit." Once again, hair and screaming. WINNERS - MARIA AND MELINA Match Rating - Zzzzzzzzzz At least it was a short match? Word Up! Apparently, todays word is presented by... Slam.. Master J. (Yuck, I feel disgusting just TYPING that.) That word is suspect. It's actually the literal definition though. The Slam Master uses this time to pick up Cryme Tyme from the funk that is losing in a 6 man tag match against their rivals for the belt. Lots of buffet and girl jokes later, they seem to perk up. Tag champs... yeah, yeah. *facepalm* Rey Mysterio tells everyone that SummerSlam is gonna be his night. Since it's so close to his hometown. He then says all of that in Spanish. Nothing spectacular. This is followed with about 10 minutes of SummerSlam advertisements. Honestly. I wish I was lying. MATCH #4 CM PUNK AND THE HART DYNASTY VS. JOHN MORRISON, MATT HARDY, AND JEFF HARDY Morrison and Kidd start it off and it goes right into Kidd putting in a headlock. Morrison tags out to Matt, and that's when team heel #2 start breaking down Matt. As Punk tags in, Matt makes a comeback, and tags in Jeff. Jeff knocks Punk out of the ring with a clothesline, and The Hart Dynasty go to make sure he's ok, as team Face #2 stand and converse in the ring. Why could they do this? To make time for... COMMERCIAL BREAK! Your children will eat anything you pt in front of them. Why not prove it, and laugh at their expense? You can, with The Fist's Crayon Shavings! It goes 'great' with any pasta or seafood dish! Try some today! By try, we mean make your kids eat it while you pass out on the couch. We come back to see Jeff tag in Matt, who goes after Kidd. Team Face #2 seperates Kidd from his allies as they switch after every two moves. Matt misses with a leg drop, and that gets Kidd to tag in Smith. Morrison gets tagged in and lands his Standing Shooting Star press, for a two count. Smith gets up and get Morrison seperated. Punk gets tagged in, and as Morrison tries for a springboard something, but Punk just pushes him out of the ring instead. Which gives Smith the distraction he needs to kick Morrison in the face. Oh, you've got to be kidding? COMMERCIAL BREAK! Guys, are you trying to maintain a slight amount of stubble? Do you think this makes you look hot and rugged? It doesn't. It makes you look smelly and probably itchy. Shave already! I'm talking to you, Sawyer from Lost. SHAVE YOUR DAMN FACE YOU--- And we're back as Kidd has Morrison in a headlock again. Morrison powers out, but he can't get to the tag before Smith gets tagged in. Morrison gets a springboard inzugiri, but Kidd gets tagged in. Kidd ALMOST stopped the hot tag to Jeff Hardy. The almost Jeff clears the ring. Smith pulls Kidd out of the way of a swanton. Punk gets tagged in as he lands 6 running leg drops to Jeff's neck. Punk puts in a minute long headlock, and Jeff powers out. A Whisper In The Wind later, Jeff tags in Matt. Matt lands a Side Effect for a pin attempt, but Smith breaks it up. Morrison knocks Smith out of the ring, and tosses Kidd (who chases after) right ONTO Smith. Morrison lands a suicide splash on the both, and that gives Matt the Twist Of Fate opportunity for the pinfall. WINNERS - TEAM FACE Match Rating - 6/10 Still a little much, but it wasn't entirely awful.  SHOW RATING - 2/10 Lots of filler, very little substance. This is probably why people don't like the WWE, they watch a 2 hour show like this with only 15 minutes of actual action. Since I'll actually be doing the SummerSlam review, I might as well give out my thoughts on the matches. Kane Vs. The Great Khali - Khali wins. It'll be boring, but he'll win.
Views: 761 
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COMMENTS |
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Comment # 1
Rafa - I was in a crappy mood considering the show absolutely BLEW. It was so awful, I wanted to climb into my TV to ask for a refund.
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 2
1st... that's all that matters
Posted by Phenom15 on Sunday, August 23, 2009
Comment # 3
Ahhh... Fist Brand Crayon Shavings. I remember when I had Fist Brand Pencil Stubs as a kid. Ahh the good ol' days.
Nice article Snappy. Always good to see a very accurate detail of SD! :)
Chaos Awards Every Monday! :P
Can't wait for next weeks Snappy! :D
Posted by The Nemesis on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 4
lol great. u mordecai and nemesis r the best writers. alwasy come here for laughs seeing as though im perma'd from chat :(
Posted by the wrestler formally known as matt hoggs. on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 5
you weren't in a very good mood when you wrote that report.. it wasn't that bad :O
Posted by Rafa on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 6
suck-ish
Posted by Boom on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 7
article 0/infinity go back to the kitchen
Posted by .... on Monday, August 24, 2009
Comment # 8
I'm actually a little disappointed you didn't flip out over, mock, or even mention Jeff's line near the end of that promo. "I don't think I can fly...my spirit KNOWS I CAN!"
I'm still laughing at the cheesiness of that one half a week later.
Posted by The Glide on Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Comment # 9
yeah.. i noticed that! but it wasn't that bad (:
Posted by Rafa on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Comment # 10
good artical
wwe needs more exitment
Posted by annihilater on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Comment # 11
What are you on about? Sawyer is hot as
But good article as always
Posted by Crazy Steve on Tuesday, August 25, 2009
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