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The Fist Lays the Smackdown! for 08/14/09 |
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THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN! After last week's strange Main Event, (you can read my last article for that) Matt Hardy has come back to the WWE. They decide to showcase the beatdown at the end that CM Punk delivered to Jeff Hardy. Aww, chair around the neck into a ringpost is still awesome. Dangerous, but awesome. CM Punk comes to ringside while just accosted by boos in a new shirt! Yay, it's not his own crossed fists. With a mic in hand, he delivers the following diatribe. "You know that TLC match at Summer Slam? PIffle. I won that. Peons! You're all corrupt drug addicts who have accepted Jeff Hardy's completely poisonous way to live. I can't say too much, because it just makes you love him more. So, I have to do one thing to make you all realize what complete idiots you are. I need to end Jeff Hardy. I messed him up so bad, he wished I didn't mess him up so bad! Hah!" It's at this point Teddy Long struts down to the ring. "Punk, you're a big meanie! You could have ended Jeff Hardy's career." Punk makes the most adorable bashful face I think I've ever seen a wrestler willingly perform. Teddy continues, "Jeff is doing fine. In fact, he'll be here TONIGHT! He won't be fighting, but he will be against you in Summer Slam. Tonight you face someone who beat you twice, John Morrison." Punk fires back with a "Teddy, you smell of poo. I'm gonna beat Morrison, then I'm gonna beat Jeff." Jeff Hardy's music cuts Punk off, and a very dejected Jeff slowly walks out to high five fans. Jeff starts, "I do wish you didn't hurt me so bad! I'm gonna defend at Summer Slam, just not today." Punk laughs at Jeff as he slowly crawls out of the ring and walks back up the ramp. Teddy Long gets a call from Vince McMahon. Apparently, he wants Jeff to compete. Jeff Hardy will face The Hart Dynasty in a handicap match? That's sure to bring fans to the seats. Well, I suppose the Hart Dynasty needs the paycheck... MATCH #1 FINLAY VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER Thank god there's no Maria showing up with him. Finlay starts mocking Dolph with a few slaps and powerful hits. Ziggler knocks Finlay out of the ring, and as Ziggler tries to baseball slide, Finlay lifts the ring skirt, and traps Dolph behind it. A few cheap shots later. Dolph gets out from behind it and rolls Finlay up to the apron. Finlay sits holding his ribs as Dolph does a running kick crushing Finlay's head between his foot and the steel post. Awesome! This is when Mike Knox (Jobber #2) comes down to ringside. Just in time for... COMMERCIAL BREAK! The FDA has issued a recall on THE FIST BRAND CEREAL©! Apparently, putting small shards of broken glass in it to help make the world's children "more hardcore" is not part of a balanced diet. When we find a country that will let us sell THE FIST BRAND CEREAL©, we'll let you all know! Dolph has Finlay in a headlock, with Mike Knox just sitting at ringside watching. Finlay gets out of the headlock, only to get a neckbreaker to hurt Finlay's face. Doplh goes to the second rope, but Finlay lifts his legs to counter that. Finaly lands a Celtic Cross, gets a two count. Finlay lands a series of clotheslines, and eventually drops Dolph out of the ring. A single axe handle later (Irish Hammer? Yeah right.) and Finlay rolls Dolph back into the ring. Finlay heads back in himself, but Knox tries to stop him! Finaly sees it, and kicks Knox in the face. Dolph tries to take advantage of the distraction, but Finlay elbows Dolph in the head. So Knox takes Finlays shilelagh and hits Finlay in the leg. This gives Dolph the excuse to hit Finlay with the "Jumping Reverse Bulldog Zig Zag" for the win. WINNER - DOLPH ZIGGLER Match Rating - 6/10 Not a bad match. I wonder what they plan on doing with Knox? Knox stalks Finlay with the shilelagh, and proceeds to basically manhandle Knox for a while. This includes his running crossbody and a back breaker into the steel steps. Knox gets a mic?!"There's quite a few bones in the human body. If I drop you on this one, you'll be in unbearable pain." They gave him a microphone... Color me shocked. Kane seems to be holding his hostage and a camera. "My Name is Ranjin Singh. I'm not hurt yet. Please save me!" Kane apparently wants people to know he's a meanie. Sadly, I'm not buying it. There should have been more torture. Maria and Melina are talking about thier clothings and a date with Dolph. They're gonna make me vomit then. Michelle McCool will apparently be back next week. How nice. Who cares? MATCH #2 JOHN MORRISON VS. CM PUNK A test of strength is really the start of this, but Punk kicks Morrison to the gut and stomps on his hands to get us going. Punk runs to the ropes, and Morrison gives chase, and slides out of the ring while grabbing Punk's legs knocking him over. Morrison with a springboard moonsault for a 2 count. Morrison lands a springboard inzugiri for another 2 count. Punk rolls out of the ring to recover. As Morrison gives chase, Punk catches him and knocks him down to having only his head out of the ring. Punk goes to the second rope and lands a double knee drop onto Morrison's head. Punk smirks as we encounter another.... COMMERCIAL BREAK! Have you ever wanted to see the world? Have you ever wanted to fly to new places you've never been? Discount cannon launching services! See anything you want via being propelled at over 700 miles an hour from the barrel of a giant novelty oversized cannon. Warning : Do not take Cannon Rides if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. Side effects include being far too awesome to have kids. We come back to Punk holding Morrison with head lock. Punk decides to try to launch Morrison to the turnbuckle. Morrison lands safely and does a flying crossbody for a 2 count. Punk gets up faster and goes back into another head lock. Morrison powers out, lands an inverted back breaker into a side Russian leg sweep for a two count. Punk swings a few times, but Morrison dodges exquisitely out of the way and counters with a few strikes of his own. Standing Shooting Star press for another 2 count. Punk fires back with a toss to the corner, and with a running knee into a bulldog gets Punk another 2 count. Morrison counters a tilt a whirl backbreaker with a DDT of his own. He gets another 2 count. He pulls Punk to the corner for a Starship Pain, Punk sits up and Morrison lands on his feet. Another roll up from Morisson for another 2 count. As Punk argues with the ref, Morrison lands the running knee to Punk's head. Another Starship Pain attempt, but Punk gets up and knocks Morrison into a tree of woe position. Punk lands the Go To Sleep and it's over. WINNER - CM PUNK Match Rating - 8/10 That was a great back and forth match. It honestly looked like it could have gone either way. Kane interferes with the match with having Mr. Singh getting interrogated. Apparently, Kane wants to know why Khali's a freak. Singh admits he's Khali's brother. Oh no. Kane wants Khali to save him! I sure hope Khali does it! MATCH #3 MELINA VS. DIVA JOBBER LAYLA It's hair and screaming. What did you expect? WINNER - MELINA Match Rating - 4/10 One of the better Diva matches, but that's like saying this garbage doesn't smell as rancid as this OTHER garbage. Cryme Tyme apparently are going to be the tag champs... Yeah yeah, Tag champs... yeah yeah? MATCH #4 JTG (w/Shad) VS. BIG SHOW (w/Chris Jericho) Big Show is basically crushing JTG while Chris joins with the announcers. Big Show leads a series of armbars, but the Big Show decides a chokeslam over the top rope is the best thing to do to JTG. As Shad tries to help out his friend, Jericho attacks Shad from behind. Big Show lands a giant chokeslam and locks in a camel clutch. Ref calls is, as JTG is unable to answer to the submission. WINNER - BIG SHOW Match Rating - 3/10 Think about this for a moment. The Women's match was more diverse than this one. But at least this is better than the average Khali fight. Shad gets in a sneak attack on Big Show as he exits the ring. Shad taunts the Big Show, and they just decline. Khali enters the boiler room to find his interpreter tied upside down. Oh no! Kane appears from behind the camera with a steel pipe and just pummels Khali. "I have never been afraid of you Khali!" (Really? Lies.) "But now you know, you should be afriad of me!" Kane leaves both broken men in the boiler room. They show off the DX reunion promo, and I have to say, I giggled when Shawn Michaels kicks a little girl. MATCH #5 JEFF HARDY VS. THE HART DYNASTY (w/ Natalya) Now, if I were Jeff Hardy, the answer is get pinned. Title's not on the line, health is at risk... Clearly, I am smarter than Jeff. Lots of double teaming and headlocks as Kidd tags back out, and Smith puts in his own headlock. Jeff powers out. Smith regains control easily and tossed Jeff into the corner. Jeff looks like he's about to go for a WitW, but Smith runs behind and pushes him over while Jeff's on the ropes. Smith tags in Kidd, who gets to the top rope and tosses Kidd onto Jeff, but Jeff rolls out of the way. Kidd gets a tag, and as Smith comes in Jeff tries a hint of offense. Jeff lands a facebuster suplex on Smith. He tries for a Swanton, but Smith pulls him down. Jeff tries for a ToF, but Smith pushes him off and counters with a big boot. Smith picks Jeff up and makes another tag. Smith picks Jeff up, and Kidd launches himself from the ropes with a flying clothesline and gets the 3 count. WINNERS - THE HART DYNASTY Match Rating - 4/10 About as predictable as the Diva's match, actually. Punk comes down to ringside as the Hart Dynasty celebrates thier easy victory. Punk start assaulting Jeff as the Hart Dynasty just sort of watches. I don't think they actually care. You know who does? John Morrison! He comes to save Jeff, and knocks Punk out of the ring. The Hart Dynasty start to get more into it, but Morrison cleans them out too. That is, of course, until Punk rolls back into the ring and hits Morrison in the back with a steel chair. Punk rolls out of the ring, and drags Jeff out there with him. He wraps the chair around Jeff's neck again. Just as he's to throw Jeff into the ring post again, Matt Hardy leaps into action and beats Punk down. Matt and Morrison clean house completely this time and leave Jeff and Matt in the ring together. Matt slowly walks over and pulls Jeff to his feet. Teddy Long and Vince McMahon discuss thier next weeks main event. Morrison and the Hardy's vs. CM Punk and The Hart Dynasty. SHOW RATING - 6/10 Let me just let everyone know something hilarious. Last week, the WWE released someone who, according to my detractors, "is the future of the WWE, and wrestling everywhere." No, they'd never get rid of Cena. They got rid of the super talented Ricky Ortiz. I'm lying about his talent though. Ricky, enjoy "rallying up" at the unemployment office. I am out! Until next week! Views: 908 
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COMMENTS |
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Comment # 1
I really do want to see him Rally Up an unemployment line. I think it'd be hilarious. =D
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Sunday, August 16, 2009
Comment # 2
1st comment!!
Love the accurate Quotes!
Posted by Phenom15 on Sunday, August 16, 2009
Comment # 3
It's hair and screaming. What did you expect? That pretty much sums up what I needed to know. Grade A.
Posted by Vince on Sunday, August 16, 2009
Comment # 4
this was extreme
the hardys are back
fist cannon rides
fist brand ceral with broken glass
Posted by matt on Sunday, August 16, 2009
Comment # 5
You keep underrating the shows imo.
Good report though
Posted by dag on Sunday, August 16, 2009
Comment # 6
Underrating? I thought she overrated this'n.
Posted by Midwest Massacre on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 7
Now, if I were Jeff Hardy, the answer is get pinned.
lol he wants to but it is scripted
Posted by inhal on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 8
Another fine example of your journalistic abilities, Madam. Very well written, well thought up article... YET AGAIN!
P.S. I'll buy 3 tickets on the cannon please...
Posted by God on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 9
Dag - I'd overrate them, but I hate lying to you. I would only rate something high if it had something I was actually passionate about. When they give me a show like that, I'll give it a higher rating.
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 10
Spell check
Posted by . on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 11
1 thing i dont get. DH smith and Kidd arnt from Hart dynasty or they both gonna marry natalye... Honestly i think Kidd is overrated. DH Smith had had chance of wrestling before he join "Hart Dynasty" Natalye is the best wrestler of 3 of em...
Posted by weird on Monday, August 17, 2009
Comment # 12
in response to weird's statement -- what?
Posted by God on Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Comment # 13
i didnt like jeff hardy losing against the hart dynasty but he was weak
Posted by hashir on Thursday, August 20, 2009
Comment # 14
if you look were to sell the fist cereal here on peru we buy almost everything if they told us is imported :P (exotic? bad self-stime? who knows)
grade A article
Posted by manuel taker on Sunday, August 23, 2009
