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The Fist Lays the Smackdown! for 08/07/09 |
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THE FIST LAYS THE SMACKDOWN!!! Today's episode is brought to you by the letters C and M. Why? Because he starts tonight show off with a bit of a rousing game of "I'm better than you morally, and that's what really matters." He claims we need a champion with class. Sorry, but guys with "X" written on your fist tape is NOT classy. Also, wearing a shirt with those same fists on it? Nah. Shameless, yes. Classy? No. MATCH #1 FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CM PUNK VS. JEFF HARDY (c) What? A world title shot as the opening match? This can't end well. Before the music stops, both Hardy and Punk jump each other. However, since no one rang a bell, lots of refs and Teddy Long come down to the ring to stop the bout. Vince McMahon comes out after this match is broken up... Oh yeah... WINNER - NO ONE! Match Rating - -2/10 Vince comes out and tells everyone that this was a stupid thing to do in a championship match. Teddy is STILL on probation, and this match needs class. "I know! A guest enforcer! What a great idea! I'm so smart! Who is it? Well, find out at the end!" Then Jeff decides this is a great time to attack CM Punk again. MATCH #2 JOHN MORRISON VS. TYSON KIDD (w/ DH Smith and Natalya) Let me be the first to tell you, seeing Tyson Kidd here means no Cryme Tyme vs. The Hart Dynasty match. The first time within the past 6 weeks. Kidd starts off with the offense, until Morrison reverses it into a dropkick. Morrison then does a Capoeira style leg drop for a two count. Kidd recovers and tosses Morrison out of the ring, where Natalya and Smith land a few cheap shots of thier own, giving Kidd a shot to do a suicide dropkick Morrison. COMMERCIAL BREAK! When two pieces of bread and a few slices of turkey love each other very much, they come together and make a delicious sandwich. Now, I want a sandwich. Don't you? We come back to see Morrison in a headlock! Oh no! He powers out and exchanges some blows. As Kidd goes for a roundhouse, Morrison ducks under it for his own roundhouse, flattening Kidd. Another standing shooting star press (which I STILL think is awesome) and he gets a 2 count. Kidd comes back with a submission attempt, then chokes Morrison with the bottom rope, then springs himself to leg drop Morrison who's still on the bottom rope. Kidd lands a blockbuster for another 2 count. Then ANOTHER 2 count. Morrison avoids a sunset flip, and tries for the running knee, but Kidd ducks under it. Kidd runs for the rope and tries for a hurricanrana, but Morrison reverses it into a sit down powerbomb. Morrison lands a springboard inzugiri and a Starship Pain for the win. WINNER - JOHN MORRISON Match Rating - 7/10 I like Morrison's style, but the Starship Pain at the end landed on Kidd's FACE. Probably unintentional... It's time for another installment of Word Up. "Pretenda". After a Chris Jerico/Agulera mock up, and a Big Show/Chubacca mashup, Jesse comes out and declares he's no pretenda. *facepalm* They talk about art, history, and other finer things in Western Culture... Who am I kidding? It's all garbage. Next! MATCH #3 CHARLIE 'The Jobber' HASS VS. SLAM MASTER J Really? REALLY? You might wonder why I've given Haas the new nickname. Let's discover my thoughts together, shall we? Haas dominated the entirety of the match. But then J landed a shoulder block, and then a diving forearm, and then a body splash from the top rope for a 3 count. WINNER - SLAM MASTER J Match Rating - 3/10 You could really tell JR and Todd were having a hard time keeping with calling him the Slam Master and keeping up with the horrible and contrived slang. MATCH #4 FATAL 4 WAY for a title shot at SummerSlam R-TRUTH VS. FINLAY VS. MIKE KNOX VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER Rey Mysterio is a guest announcer for this match, and as Dolph came down to the ring, he sat there slack jawed. Everyone seems to just bounce into each other until... COMMERCIAL BREAK! Kids, you might think thermonuclear physics is a lot of fun, but they can also be dangerous. The wrestlers at the WWE are professionals, and make it look easy. Do not try it at home! Everyone continues to fight, but it seems like one person swings, another person hits the one who just attacked and so on. Dolph is the first to break this pattern by pulling a DDT on both Finlay AND R-Truth. Knox break the pin attempt. Dolph gets tossed out of the ring, and R-Truth motions to Finlay to team up on Knox. Finlay shakes his hand on it, and give R-Truth a rolling samoan drop for it. Knox breaks the pin attempt. R-Truth runs for the ropes, and Knox lowers the top rope knocking him out of the ring. Finlay flattens Knox with the shillelagh, and Ziggler lands the Zig Zag (which now JR calls the Reverse Bulldog, because he and I both know that's a dumb name) and gets the three count. WINNER - DOLPH ZIGGLER Match Rating - 5/10 Good enough, considering it was a multiple person battle. Too much ADHD for my tastes though. Dolph decides to taunt Rey after winning. Rey gets up, and Dolph backs off towards the ring... and into the grasp of Finlay. Dolph gets himself free, but turns to find a faceful of Mysterio Crotch diving onto him. I still don't feel all that great about that move. Maria and Melina are backstage doing girltalk... Melina asks basically what everyone has been asking. Why would she want to vomit nightly and feign being in a relationship with Dolph Ziggler? Apparently, he's drugged her. MATCH #5 CHRIS JERICHO (c) VS JTG This, of course, is the leadup to SummerSlam's tag match. JTG starts with a little offense, but Jericho quickly gains the upper hand. A toss out of the ring and a distraction by Jericho, and Big Show gets in a cheap shot with a boot to JTG's ribs. Jericho works on JTG's ribs for a while, before he misses with a running bulldog, and JTG capitalized with a facebuster. JTG pulls off a tornado jumping clothesline for a very close 2 count. Jericho tries for a Walls Of Jericho, but doesn't quite seem able to pull it off, so he opts for a rocket launcher into the corner. JTG lands on his feet though, and lands a leg drop from the top for another 2 count. Jericho lands a Codebreaker, but it knocks JTG under the ropes. Jericho tries for about 10 seconds to pull him out to pin him, but to no avail. Jericho gets called off, and JTG springs to life with a roll up for a pin. WINNER - JTG Match Rating - 6/10 Not exactly the greatest showing of Jericho, but probably the greatest for JTG (to me anyway). Cryme Tyme literally RUN away after winning, almost like they stole the Big Show's hubcaps. Meanwhile, Jericho screams at the poor ref. MATCH #6 THE GREAT KHALI VS. RICKY 'THE THIRD JOBBER' ORTIZ Khali hit Ortiz twice. One hit to the head, and then the Punjabi Plunge. Booooooring. WINNER - THE GREAT KHALI Match Rating - 0/10 Just like clockwork, Kane's music hits. Khali looks up the runway, but Kane appears from behind and knocks Khali out of the ring. Kane turns to see Khali's translator alone in the ring. Uh oh. Kane knocks him out, and steals him away through the crowd. MATCH #7 FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE WITH MATT HARDY (As Special Enforcer) JEFF HARDY (c) VS. CM PUNK As Jeff entered the ring, Matt could not look into his brothers eyes. Jeff asked a series of questions, and all were met with silence. Jeff starts off the offense with a diving shoulder block, and his double leg drop to the "lower abdomen", into a low dropkick to Punk's face. Jeff calls for the Twist Of Fate, but Punk gets out. Jeff clotheslines Punk outside the ring. Jeff tries a running splash, but sees Punk get up, so he lands on the apron instead. Punk pulls a leg, and Jeff uses the OTHER leg to kick Punk, knocking both men to the floor. COMMERCIAL BREAK! When you need your clothing to look thier very very best. Please, for the love of Pete, DO NOT THROW THEM UNDER A BUS. Same for co-workers, apparently... We come back to Punk kicking a downed Jeff, and getting a 2 count. A series of knees to Jeff's ribs, go into an abdominal stretch. Jeff gets a break, and lands a Whisper In The Wind, for a two count. Jeff tries for a Swanton, but Punk catches him up top, and lands a Superplex. Jeff kicks out at 2. Punk lands a series of strikes, tries for a GTS, Jeff gets out and tries for a Twist Of Fate, which Punk counters into a roll up. Jeff kicks out and knocks Punk out of the ring towards Matt. Jeff lands a flying Crossbody on Punk as Matt watches. Jeff rolls Punk into the ring, and asks Matt what's going on. Punk baseball slides Matt (Yes, not Jeff) and throws Jeff back into the ring. As Punk tries to get back into the ring, Jeff catches him with a Twist Of Fate. Jeff tries for a Swanton bomb, but Punk throws his knees up. Punk goes for the cover, but Matt is having none of this. He pulls the ref out and confronts Punk. Punk demands satisfaction, and in doing so Jeff lands his own roll up. Matt does some officiating and counts it 1,2,3. WINNER - JEFF HARDY Match Rating - 6/10 I've seen FAR better from both of these men, but it's nice to see Matt doing something again. Punk is infuriated, and Matt walks out of the ring without a hint of emotion. Punk chases him up the ramp, but as Matt disappears, he just yells and screams some. He decides the best way to get rid of that frustration is to beat up Jeff some more. Punk gets a chair, and goes to work. Punk wraps a chair around Jeff's neck and throws him into the steel post outside of the ring. Punk tells the trainers, who run out to see if he's ok, to "Fix him so I can break him again." Teddy runs out to check on Jeff and tells punk that, if Jeff can compete, it's a Table Ladders And Chairs match at SummerSlam for the title. SHOW RATING - 5/10 Too much jobbing, not enough story. All in all, a mediocre showing from everyone. That's it from me today. I'm probably way over my word limit again, so tune in next time as I try to fight my verbosity again! Views: 738 
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COMMENTS |
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Comment # 1
rubbish. bad. mediocre. ok. good. excellent.
AMAZING! - there we go. T.T
Posted by Corro - 1st Post - sion on Sunday, August 09, 2009
Comment # 2
I throughly and heartly endorse this event or product.
Always good to read Snappy :).
I can't wait for **CHAOS ARTICLES EVERY MONDAY!!** next weeks installment.
9.999999...9993/10
Posted by The Nemesis on Sunday, August 09, 2009
Comment # 3
yawn, lame report dude no offence but u normally have great reports
Posted by FK on Sunday, August 09, 2009
Comment # 4
I like the commercial parts the best, and who knew you can't throw co-workers under a bus...Guess I got some splaining to do...*grabs a ham sammich*
Posted by Bolar on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 5
Matt just got back from ab surgery, so its good to see he is okay/
Posted by LA on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 6
Good to see Matt is back and ok. Bad to see he is back and has to help push Jeff's career. Now, we have to deal with 'All The Fans Love Matt Again' moments. We can only hope the storywriters push it as Matt wants to be the one to take the belt off Jeff at Summerslam. And we can only pray they let him.
Was a great article, Snapshot, just another craptastic Smackdown show, but with the Peopl..err, 14 year old's Champion, what can we expect?
Posted by MSW on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 7
A good report here, well written :)
Now, lets go back to challenging each other eh? >_>
Posted by TheGrimReaper on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 8
Gee, I wonder why none of these guys put out there very very best effort on an episode of SmackDown
Posted by Mordecai on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 9
Mordecai - I couldn't tell you, but I can say that the Hardy/Morrison fight from last week was seriously fantastic. If every SmackDown had ONE match like that, I'd be the luckiest girl who writes reviews about it on the internet. lol
Posted by Madam Snapshot on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 10
MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Kane stole a man!
Posted by Vince on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 11
Hey i'm fourteen and Jeff sucks! Matt for the title!
Posted by 14 on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 12
U wrote great reports.. but yeah this one isnt ur like. Its a bit diffrent. But one of u( maybe some) didnt notice that matt isnt wearing his heel coustom.. thats means he will be face again :D
Posted by Kurtis Trent on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 13
It sucked cause the matches sucked
Posted by Me on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 14
meatspin.com
Posted by meatspin.com creator on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 15
That wasn't your best report
Posted by het on Monday, August 10, 2009
Comment # 16
As always, great article. Your articles are a thing of beauty, and art, that come together in a screaming heap of hilarity and truth.
15/10 for this one.
And I already learned that throwing my co workers under a bus is NOT the way to make them look their very best...
Awesome Article Snappy... Keep it up!
Posted by God on Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Comment # 17
Ew, whats wiht that font?
Posted by Bruice Pitchard on Wednesday, August 12, 2009
