Monday Night Vince-stigation for 09/21/09

Hello destitute public.

Last week was bland, uninspiring, and sickening as well. I want to see how sickening we can get THIS week. TUNE UP THE BLAND.

Yup, there’s 1 point for team Vince. (For ultimate puns.)

This week, as these terrible, terrible people promise us another great event,  I can only wonder how I will not look forward to writing a review about it. My suspicions are confirmed when Cedric the Entertainer steps out of a limousine with a posse of queer characters.

We’re going to have fun tonight.

Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes

We’re not going to have fun tonight.

“Are You Ready?” blasts throughout the arena as fans rejoice and their little butts pucker at the sight of Hunter and HBK.

They go off on a tangent – pretending to be funny and intimidating Legacy by listing all of their incredible HIAC stats from over the years. Shawn won the first ever, Trips has won 5…

Anyway, after an uninteresting match, Cody Rhodes rolls out and slaps HBK… then a double team clothesline is enough to sideline Shawn for several minutes, apparently, as they wallop HHH with a chair.

Winner: Cody Rhodes… I read that Road-Dogg watched this segment and loved it, further proving that everyone from the 1990’s that lived on steroids and narcotics is now mentally inept.

Cedric the Entertainer comes out with the Bella Twins (who have now become something for women everywhere to aspire to) and says he’s a true WWE fan, just like they force every guest host to say.

I always wonder if they’re telling the truth, and although he did pretty good on everyone’s name, he struggled through the family members of Legacy. Maybe he’s just pretty good at quick memorization.

Santino Marella comes out. (Maybe I entered a time warp but I think this is what happened):

They say Santino is from the Milan Miracle and King says “The WHAT? What’re you talkin’ about?”

This is coming minutes after the DX match – where King said and I quote “No, no Michael. I’m right – DX has never ever been in a tag team Hell in a Cell match.”

+1 Team Vince for saying The King is losing it.

Anywho, Santino tells a bad joke about Americans being fat from fast food “megasizers.”

Chavo comes out and Cedric rants and rants about a website that I can’t understand.

Some potent quotables from this segment:

“Ya’ll know Big Show drives a Prius?”

“It’s that guy who lets a leprechaun win eve-…. Whatchoo mean he ain’t letting him?? He actually loses!?”

“No, no, Chavo, I don’t wear them tight pants.”

So as we get ready for our next match, Kofi Kingston uncharacteristically WOMPS the Miz backstage to steal back his belt. Fun!

The Miz vs. Evan Bourne

I’m going to be so sorry for short-selling this match, but as Miz sold his backstage injuries, it was another one of those special, out-of-body experiences that made me feel ashamed to be a fan.

Anyway, after some incredibly impressive acrobatics by Bourne, -flip this, -ranna that, he almost hits the SSP – but Miz rolls away then uses his Skull Crushing Finale ….

Winner: The Miz. I thought Evan Bourne was going places when he was fighting Kane and Mysterio. Now he’s at the same competitive level of Chavo Guerrero. NOT where you wanna be.

Contract signing time! Orton has told Legacy he’ll be fine, and since they’re about to finish DX… they get the night off.

So here we go. Jerry Lawler is in the ring and since “Contract signings in the WWE don’t usually go very well”, there is a no-physicality rule in effect. If one touches the other, everything is off.

They get down to the nitty gritty, Cena makes a boring speech-joke, and Orton says since he can’t legally harm a hair on Cena’s head, “WEEEEELLLLLLLLL it’s a bad remixxxxx” and Jeri-Show comes out to put the hurt on the Champ.

MVP and Mark Henry (aka kool-aid man) come in to save the day, Cedric comes out and says it’s now a 6 man tag match main event, we watch this for 40 years, then we die.

Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger

So immediately after Kofi Kingston stole his belt from the Miz, who stole it last week, Swagger gets the upper hand, in order for the Miz to run down and steal it again… until Jack Swagger steals it himself….

Was this a match?

Cedric vs. Chavo

Cedric is out in… Jerry Lawler’s outfit? Santino is the special ref.

Cedric goes under the ring and Chavo chases him down, only it isn’t Cedric. Some guy dressed like Cedric, only a foot taller, comes out and absolutely owns Chavo for the entire match.

HornCedric gets in a tadpole splash and the real one gets the pin. Jesus tapdancing Jehosafat.

Next boring match.

Team Heel vs. Team Face.

If Team Face loses, Cena must face Team Heel in a gauntlet next week, vice versa.

Then team heel won.

So next week on RAW, John Cena will without a doubt take up 30 minutes of air time, just to beat two men he’s faced for the WWE title at Wrestlemania and SummerSlam LIKE THEY WERE NOTHING, just so he can meet Randy Orton in a 3^rd round drama fest.

So it’s at this point I’d like to give you guys a little something special. Well, a VERY LONG something special.

I used to trip and fall a lot,

And folks would laugh and stare.

Not often people see a stick

Where once a leg was there.

Alas! Said I, I’ll buy a cane,

And Double UP their fun…

When I fall now they get to laugh

At two sticks, ‘stead of one.

But when I fall, and if they laugh,

It’s them who gets the grief.

When I stand up on my two sticks,

And kick them in the teeth.

See the semblance? (thank you spellcheck) – the point is, RAW is getting so horrible that I no longer look forward to writing a few lines about this show.

Each and every week, RAW gets worse, and I think it is reflected in my writing. The reviews squeak by the 1500 word minimum, while the matches get shorter and this section gets longer.

So here’s the deal. I’ll do it next week, maybe even the week after that. If there are no drastic improvements then I’ll give up writing a review of a show everyone is starting to not care about.

Instead, I’ll opt out to the less honorable but higher-paying job of muser. Perhaps submit something on MY time, instead of complying with this kid-friendly garbage.

So we can leave on a high note, here are some thoughts for the week.

If Big Show drives a Prius, does Mysterio drive a clown car?

Why would Jeri-Show help out Randy Orton? At all? He isn’t rich, has no friends, and they’re asses themselves. Is it REALLY just an “act of God” that heels beat up faces?

If so, would you like to actually HAVE a reason, or do you want to adopt the don’t ask don’t tell policy?

And a special goodbye to Lilian Garcia, who gave us fappable material every week on RAW for the last decade. Mmm mmm mmm Lilian. The things I’d do to you.

So who’s it going to be next week? Some bimbo we don’t know or care about? The SmackDown guy? The Fink himself? Leeroy Jenkins?

My thoughts are just about dried up, but I have one last big one for you to ponder.

If I’m fed up with always reviewing a show that caters to kids, has bad and repetitive storylines, PLUS horrible acting week in and week out, then WHAT THE HELL are you doing over there, SmackDown reviewers?

We may have had ZZ Top and Hornswoggle vs. Chavo, but there is no excuse for that Undertaker scene inside the limo last week. I watched that on Youtube and it made me sick to my stomach. Undertaker is a man who witnessed a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick firsthand back in the 1990’s. He deserves better.

I pity you…

A time when Brett Favre was the MVP and SuperBowl Champ, when Disney made good movies, when Baseball wasn’t boring, and when EVERYBODY who was ANYBODY lived on steroids and drugs.

That is the promise land and that is what we need to return to. The Undertaker needs to kill a foo, Triple H needs to make more crotch jokes, and for Vince’s sake, DX needs to make girls go topless at live shows.

If we don’t go back soon, children, I don’t know what will become of the business that made so many stars and broke so many families.

So the final question is, after all of these unoriginal asses who write about going back to the Attitude Era, has it finally reached the point for you, dear viewer, where you might just go ahead and agree with them?

Is it so bland and immature that you can’t wait for the 8 year olds to turn 13 so WWE can step it up?

Is it SO UNINTERESTING that you find yourself tuning out, even when it’s not a Diva’s match?

Holler back.

Viva Vince.

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