Monday Night Vince-stigation for 09/14/09

Hello destitute public.

Last week was a time to rejoice, to enjoy the simpler things, and to send hateful PM’s to the site staff asking what happened to Vince-Stigation.

I was hurt more than any of you, because something magical – Bob Barker – had eluded my public criticism (which CAN be positive for the record) and he will in all likelihood die by tomorrow.

What good comes of this, you ask? – Well, tell me in the comment section.

The show opens with Lilian Garcia (who I thought was leaving, or HAD LEFT ALREADY because the Fink was there last week) introducing of all people, Batista!

The fans are going absolutely nuts. Signs include “Batista, ur da O~” .

Before Batista can really make an announcement of ANY kind, Mr. Roboto is out to gloat. Orton apparently thinks Batista is going to announce retirement, as do we, and claims it isn’t because of the injuries, it’s the fear of being punted again.

Orton looks good for having “Quit” the other night, I guess he quit at the first hint of danger to preserve himself. Or something.

Anywho, Orton goes on a particularly diabolical rant about ripping Batista apart, figuratively and literally – when Dave cracks a smile. Orton seems upset that after losing his title, he can’t make someone else feel bad.

Screaming at the top of his lungs only sets Orton up for the inevitable pwnage. Batista tells him that he’s smiling for two reasons.

1. Randy is very predictable.
2. He knows something Randy doesn’t know.

Batista rips off the brace from his arm and lays the Smack DOWN on RKO, delivering an uncharacteristically amazing powerslam. Incidentally, Dave is MOVING to SD next week, but not before taking on Orton in a no DQ match tonight.

Lilian introduces Trish and the crowd is going wild… until her music hits. They are dead for this. Trish mentions Bob Barker and gets a bigger pop for him than herself. SCORE.

 She plays to imaginary reactions to the crowd, saying “I know, I know” after mentioning Randy Orton’s name, and nobody saying anything. She makes HELL IN A CELL for the next PPV… called …uh…HELL IN A CELL. Cena vs. Orton. Yawn.

You can almost tell she wants to get off the stage by her energy and she wants to get a match started. Kofi Kingston’s tron lights up and the crowd goes from crickets to firecrackers. Primo Colon also has a new tron. =o

Primo and Kofi vs. Jack Swagger and The Miz

The Miz actually gets a ton of heat, and he’s looking like a real lifer now that he’s switched to shorter trunks and elbow pads and stuff.

Sooo, this match was about 4 minutes of real wrasslin. Team Heel used a bunch of underhanded tactics, and the crowd is just loving Kingston.

Miz distracted everybody by snatching the US Belt and Swagger was able to hit his Snagglebomb for the win.

Winners: Team Heal – Really? Another FOUR minutes for Kofi Kingston? 3/10.

It looks like Gail Kim did something, THEN we see that HBK will have his first singles match on RAW since before WrestleMania 25!!

BACKSTAGE:

Beth Phoenix is complaining to Trish about not being in some women’s title match (I must have blacked out for 10 minutes) and in steps Chris Jericho, former SEXER of Trish Stratus. The plot thickens.

Chris Jericho says it’s only a two hour show, so Beth shouldn’t let Trish talk. Crowd goes “Ooh!”

Trish says something about Chris being bitter and finding new love in The Big Show. Crowd goes “OOOOOH!”

Beth defends Chris and says Trish retired from WWE when Beth ENTERED, coincidence? To open a yoga studio in a second-rate country, no less. Crowd goes “OOOOH! NO!”

Trish comes back with “Yeah, well I’ll face you two in a tag match tonight!” Crowd goes “Meh.”

And just to be sure Trish doesn’t have anything crazy planned, Y2J adds that he would fight Bob Barker anytime, anyplace. Period.

HBK vs. Ted DiBiase

ARE YOU READY!? …For the dawning of a new era? Legacy gets on the mic and says they didn’t just beat DX, they made them tap out.

I’m starting to believe them – because Stone Cold, The Rock, Taker, none of them have done that to DX.

After a Randy-ish rant, here comes DX.

The bell rings and Ted Jr is beating the crap out of HBK in the corner – until HBK starts with the Flair-esque chops.

Already in this match, we already have conflicting chants of “HBK!” and “You screwed Bret!”

Bret Hart is, was, and always will be the most overrated piece of crap to ever come out of Canada. Owen was better. Rikishi was better. And by gawd Shawn Michaels was/is better.

The next 10 minutes is a chinlock and a top rope jump.

Winner: Cody interferes, Shawn wins by DQ.

Well, it is that time again – sadly, it’s Hornswoggle time. So it’s also disgrace the Guerrero name time.

Bourne and Horny vs. Chavo and Carlito

This was another 3 minutes and 30 seconds of bull plop. (Alas!)

Horny stole Carlito’s apple (which is not a weapon I guess) to spit on Chavo then midget-Frogsplash him for the win.

Afterwards Chavo just gets on the mic and says what we’re all thinking.

“Hornswoggle, what the hell do I gotta do?! You know what, I give up. Are you happy?”

To put the Michael Cole cherry on top of this feces sundae, Cole adds “Chavo Guerrero, admitting defeat… to a leprechaun.”

I was born in Madrid, Spain. I spoke only Spanish for the first 4 years of my life. I can tell you that Guerrero literally means Warrior. JBL was right all the times he said it. Tell me, YOUR GOD VINCE, how much you hate this recurring segment. Go on. Comment it right now. Then reload the page to read the rest. It inflates my views.

Trish AND a Partner vs. Y2J and Beth Phoenix

Trish is out to no cheers and of all people MVP comes out, to a decent pop, and he’s looking FIERCE LIKE A BOSS in his new sleeveless Power Ranger outfit. I’ve seen so many videos (real fights) where the “too cool for sleeves” guy gets his ass handed to him. Will that hold steadfast?

Beth Phoenix has bigger boobs than Trish. Side note. Important one though.

Before things really get started (Trish works off a few old spots of hers) Big Show comes out and earns his team a DQ loss. Trish says NO WAY and restarts it, this time adding Show and Mark Henry to the equation.

The match is restarted, and to be honest with you, it was sad and boring. I don’t even want to have to cover it. MVP and Trish did that Ballin’ move while holding hands. No more Trish. Ever.

The normal-sized competitors go back and forth a couple times with tag-ins and outs, while Mark Henry and Big Show collide, shaking the arena, on the outside.

Trish hits her amazingly inventive bulldog. Wins.

Now, this match was so trashy and over-hyped you’d expect it to be the main event, right?

HA!

Batista vs. Randy Orton no (DQ)

Let me tell you what you love about me. My brutal honesty. This was a feel-good match coming off a PPV meant to please kids.

It started at 11 PM, so you know it was going to last maybe 5 minutes. MAYBE.

Batista pwned Orton to the outside, then pwned a chair out of his hands.

When Orton was about to escape, Cena came out (again) to corner Orton (again) and RAW disappoints us. (always)

So let’s see what we got…

A couple of 4 minute matches, a couple of DQ’s, a lame storyline with Batista, a FAIL guest host, and a repeat run-in of John Cena from last week.

Why can’t Bob Barker just come back forever?

This week, destitute public, I have no outstanding thoughts for you to ponder other than everything built up over 2 weeks. Most importantly:

What would you rather have happen to you, if you were in a high-performance situation? A screaming midget hit you in the face with a squirt gun, or an oiled-up Randy Orton slide over you and run away?

Because one of those things last week resulted in a DQ. The other did not.

And what’s with this Jeff Hardy thing? I seriously do not know. First it was a drug bust, then Matt bailed him out and it was nothing, now he faces 14 years, NOW HIS TWITTER IS GONE OMG. Update me.

Furthermore, I’m a virile cauldron of male hormones but I’ve made a list of undercard Superstars that should henceforth be considered sexy.

Santino Marella

Chris Masters

Goldust

Festus

MVP

And last but not least, you know him, you love him, you can’t live without him, Abraham Washington!

So tell me what you think. Honestly. How sexy are they? Is Randy Orton more annoying than a midget that speaks no English? Should Bob Barker karate chop Trish Stratus? Should I use more big words?

Because I do not just talk, I can pontificate. I possess an extensive vernacular in a language that I was not born into. THAT is what separates me from you. THAT is what makes me your god or god-like figure.

The Vince.

Long live that guy. Alas.

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