Hello destitute public.

You’ll have to forgive quality this week, as the Monday Night RAW we were forced to watch was one of the worst in history.

The ill-fated Lillian Garcia announces Dusty Rhodes as the guest host for tonight – which I thought couldn’t go wrong, until he begins spouting off about how his son is in Legacy.

For me, this was one of those times, one of those sad times, where we realize just how fake wrestling appears to be to those who are not fans. Rhodes has got that sweetass Cajun-ish accent that every evil circus promoter or cult leader does in every movie ever made.

“My son is in Legacy, and I love him” – *BOOOO* – “Oh I know friends, I know!”

So in a nutshell, and much like Ted Jr.’s father, Rhodes puts his son Cody in a match against Randy Orton… for the WWE title later tonight!

 Orton and Cody come out and protest a little, then again, MUCH like Ted Jr., Cody gets his face turn for a night – because he WILL take the shot – and it’s just business.

I almost pooped a little when I saw that add for Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker on ECW. I should have paid closer attention because apparently it was just the advert for replaying their match at WM 25. Not a real match…They could only do that to ECW. Tsk tsk.

MVP vs. Y2J

They start off with some wrasslin holds, in which MVP ragdolls Jericho. Later in the match MVP uses to turnbuckle to jump OVER Jericho’s head and set up a clothesline – but that was pretty much it.

MVP does his Ballin’ move and Michael Cole calls this arena the Home of the Pistons. Epic Michael Cole Fail.

Jericho counters the PlayMaker and after another exchange hits the CodeBreaker for the win.

Winner: Chris Jericho. I thought the first match of the night was supposed to be exciting, but this effectively bored me to tears. I won’t even give out a rating.

DX is backstage with Dusty Rhodes, plugging the title match and the WCW DVD. I was okay with this part of the show until I saw Hornswoggle. That little green mong. Every time I catch a glimpse of him, a flash of hatred rushes over my body. He’s dressed as a cowboy and is up for a Bull Rope match (Dusty Rhode’s specialty) against guess who.

Chavo vs. Hornswoggle (Texas Bull Rope)

Chavo is forced to wear a giant cow costume + cow head. Craptacular.

As soon as the match starts Horny headbutts Chavo in the gut to get him on all fours, and proceeds to ride Chavo like at a rodeo. When Chavo gets some momentum going Evan Bourne comes out to distract him.

Hornswoggle “wins” the “match” by tying up Chavo. As if it weren’t enough, the giant cow head is forced back onto Chavo and is followed up by a long MOOO sound effect out of nowhere.

Michael Cole: “What a moooooove!”

EPIC Michael Cole win. Or is it fail? – anyway, we’re not going to have to see a rating for this match either. It was not A MATCH.

Big Show vs. Mark Henry

Alright! I’m licking my chops at this point of the show, because MVP vs. Jericho was disappointing, there hasn’t been a match in 20 minutes, and Dusty Rhodes is having a hard time becoming a figure of entertainment for me.

WELLLL it’s The Big Show vs. Somebody gonna get they ass beat.

Big Show tries a lock up with the guy whose gimmick is being stronger than Big Show. That doesn’t work out well and Henry appears to win.

After a match-long headlock, Big Show (incidentally, BS) gets DQ’d and KO’s Henry with that punch.

So another non-match.

Good spear in the middle of the match though. I saw flab wave and ribs break.

So far in a show without matches, I’m getting ready to shut it off and forget about reviewing this week. But I see a highlight of the infamous Finger Poke of Doom between Nash and Hogan. It spurs me on, hoping WWE will see a dangerous correlation to THAT match not being a match, and none of THEIR matches being a match.

But, due to Buddha hating me, he plans these things ahead. Instead of a meaningful commentary, DX comes in to break kayfabe, asking who’s idea it was, and how HBK should have been here for the Attitude Era.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger vs. Carlito (US Title)

As soon as the “match” starts, Miz does some Mizzy tactics and waits outside the ring. Despite having a lackluster show so far, the crowd is really hot for Kofi Kingston.

I’ve been to several live shows and I guess I don’t blame them. You never really know how feces-ish it turns out on live TV if the chants keep you entertained.

After some pretty decent exchanges, The Miz comes in, looking like a goofy snake, (just like in that Draft battle royal vs. Cena and HHH) to do some damage.

Yet again Kofi Kingston’s match is the highlight of RAW. Miz pwns Swagger, and is about to pwn Kingston, but Carlito instead pwns The Miz. Ultimate pwnage in quick succession.

Jack Swagger bombs the HOLY HELL out of Carlito, but Miz counters the same move.

They all wind up body slamming people on top of other people until finally a flurry of finishers forgoes the frenzy to facilitate the fall of the fight’s failure, and the frivolous champion won’t forfeit his pant-fastener in the foreseeable future.

Alliteration +50 for team Vince.

Winner and still champ: Kofi Kingston. The first good match of the night and it leaves me pleased. That is, until…

They have ANOTHER Diva’s match to ignore. Really making it hard on my word count guys. Jeeze.

Anyway, after another title DOESN’T change hands in the women’s division, we get to the first great segment of our week.

Featuring THE SHOCKMASTER. Yep, the infamous lardass from outer space that came along for WCW’s ride to the bottom. DX is still giving Dusty Rhodes a hard time for his role in WCW management. Turns out the Shockmaster was Dusty’s idea, and things get awkward. Santino Marella barges in as the Shockmaster and says something like “I know! I loved that guy!” – in agreement with Dusty, and you know what? It should have worked. If fatty didn’t fall and lose his helmet during his debut… kind of like Kane’s mask just falling off.

Next week’s host is BOB BARKER. HOO-RAH. Not like Hurray, like the marines. HOO-RAH.

That’s because Bob Barker is the boss. Forget Bruce Springsteen; Bruce Springsteen can sing duets with U2 all he wants, but he’ll never be able to get 7 million Americans to spay their pets.

Typical Cena interview somewhere in here, he says that he’s the special ref but will call it down the middle. I know that Cody won’t win the title, so I should probably turn it off before we get another non-match match… but… Damn it, Buddha.

Cody Rhodes vs. RKO (WWE Title at steak)

Hey! Guess what! A non-match match.

Dusty gets on the mic when Cena comes out to ref… and referring to what he said earlier in the night… “A father will do anything for his son – and John… I’m sorry buddy.”

Which was pretty cool, but the beat down ensued. DX came out to save the day. But then DiBiase came out to even the odds… or rather UNeven them.

Just to make sure Team Face didn’t win the altercation, Dusty Rhodes hit Trips with the base of his cowboy boot. (Would it really knock a man out?)

So it’s a melee of stomps, and Legacy wins. Randy Orton locks hands with everyone and they do their victory hand-raise thing, and after a hug, Randy promptly flattens Dusty Rhodes with an RKO.

Cody is livid and Randy won’t look him in the eye. The crowd chants CODY CODY but naturally nothing happens.

Some closing thoughts.

-         Are (or is it “is”?) the Walls of Jericho even a finisher anymore?

-         If Michael Cole does a Michael Cole fail, is he failing or is he winning at it? Kind of like asking if a BIG FIRE is worse or better than a little one. Hmmm.

-         Is it just me or is DX the only entity allowed to break kayfabe? Lance Cade was fired for not selling Sweet Chin Music. Triple H admitted wrestling has storylines. Twice.

-         It’s been said before but SOMEBODY needs to take away Randy Orton’s coupons to SuperCuts.

-         I wish Dusty Rhodes would LEARN TO SPEAK THE KING’S ENGLISH.

-         Who is Mary J. Blige and why is she famous?

Anywho, this article was late for another unknown reason, probably the ghosts of Christmas past. I sent it in but by some freak coding error it came back blank. I can only imagine what the site will do to the formatting this time, and I apologize in advance.

Viva Vince.