Hello destitute public. Have I got a page-full for you.

Mayweather is back on RAW while the Big Show is there, there’s a Diva’s match to ignore, and DX is back in the building! And they’re promising us a great main event. Again.

So 230 pounds of ultimate win, in the founder of wrestling as we know it, walks down to the ring. McMahon. It just feels good to say. So he addresses the crowd about the new Breaking Point PPV, and makes some good-guy McMahon matches. As soon as he utters a thanks to the crowd it’s time to BREAK IT DOWN (into what, I’ll honestly never know) and I’m beginning to think it’s going to be a face-on-face assault.

So after beating around the bush as they often do before something is remotely funny, I finally get what’s going on… If this is August 24… then… it’s somebody’s biiiirthdaaay! The only downside is Triple H has to make age jokes before getting a throaty “I’M SEXTY FUUR!” from Vince.

Before you ask, that’s older than me. Terds. It takes 30 minutes without a commercial break, but DX somehow ruins and makes a win birthday at the same time. Showgirls, Circus O-lame Pogo Stick People, and one Big Dick Johnson dance. After McMahon throws BDJ out of the ring (and getting what I’m assuming has to be ASS OIL on his hands and suit) DX has Vince stand in the middle of the ring…no wait… a little more over here…And wouldn’t you know it, before the vat of uh, either cattle crap or birthday confetti can be dropped, it’s a Legacy attack.

So a match is made by Triple H (Floyd Mayweather is late, figures, alas!) and McMahon will be competing on his 64^th birthday.

The Miz vs. Santino Marella

I thought the ring would explode with these two forces inside. We all know that people like Santino Marella, Mark Henry, Chavo Guerrero, and Chuck Norris are win. NO EXCEPTIONS.

But I don’t care what you say, The Miz is now in that group.

Unfortunately, since The Miz is getting an uberpush, Santino can only get in some “Whaaa you make-a me so mad-ah! punches” before Miz hits his finisher… the Skull Crushing Finale.

Winner: The Miz. This is a Big-Four main event match in 2 years. Royal Rumble 2011. But too bad for us, I can do everything but time travel. This match sucked, because there was an inkling of hope that it wouldn’t be a squash like it was. 2/10.

The Miz lets us know after the match, that he is AWESOME. If you’re not down with that, I’ve got about 1,535 words for ya.

So for some reason about 10 minutes of the show is COMPLETELY erased from existence, literally gone. I have no idea what happened during this time. It could have been the return of The Undertaker to RAW, Hulk Hogan speaking on his controversies, a Diva’s match, or Andre the Giant coming back from the dead.

So DX is backstage plugging more merchandise in an annoying way. It makes sense that even when honoring WCW, WWE can’t help but cut a piece of crap promo. There was a generator running in the background, so although we could make it out on TV, I’m guessing no one in the arena knew what was going on.

DX talks about how old and creepy face-Vince is. So to get him angry, they send Jillian Hall into his office dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Vince almost swallows her (not in the good way) when he yells GET OUT! I personally would have knocked her out and locked the door from the inside.

Jeri-Show vs…

The Jeri-Show tag team is out and FINALLY have a real remix instead of 10 seconds of alternating music. It sounds kind of weird but I can live with it.

After a loooong segment involving the arrival of Floyd Mayweather and MVP, the official match is made…

MVP & Mark Henry vs. Jeri-Show for a title shot at Breaking Point

This match has potential to say the least, but you know what it wound up being? I can describe what happened in 3 lines.

Back and forth at first.

Big Show taunted Mayweather.

Mark didn’t wrestle.

Haiku reviews = +10 for Team Vince.

Anyway, we were all waiting for the inevitable “OOOH!” sound when The Big Show and Mark Henry were tagged in at the same time, except it never happened. They kept MVP in the ring almost literally the entire match. Mark Henry came in for about a minute to eat a counter and tag MVP back in.

I hate RAW’s tag matches lately. Team Heel just keeps one Face guy in the ring for 10 minutes.

Winners: MVP & Mark Henry. Mayweather interfered and gave MVP some brass knucks. Funny how Big Show carried Y2J up the ramp like a baby when it was over. 4/10.

So since it’s been a very boring night compared to recent weeks, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to tempt fate, how much worse could it be? Kind of like that guy from that movie… “IS THERE NO ONE!?” Troy, was it? I was so confident there were no rotten eggs in this boiled egg of a show, I said it out loud, like FATE was in the room listening.

“Geeee, I sure hope fate doesn’t hear me tempting it. Yep, just here thinking this show can’t get any worse. Doo doo doo doo doo.”

Just thought I’d let you all know for no reason and OHMYGODNO!

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Boxing Match)

We know the formula by now, but I still watch through the bloody tears in my eyes.

Chavo is looking pretty badass with boxing gloves and a bandana. I guess Hornswoggle looks gangster too. So before the match starts the ref says Chavo has to put on Rock-em Sock-em inflatable boxing gloves. Sigh.

Chavo gets frustrated because the gloves don’t work (he did a trial-and-error and got his ass handed to him by Horny) so he rips them off and powerslams the little guy to lose by DQ. Luckily EVAN BOURNE does some pretty colors in the air.

Winner: Hornswoggle by DQ. But I still want to say someth-OH YEAH THIS SUCKED. 0/10. Bourne came out and entertained us a little, making up for a non-match match.

Backstage, McMahon is warming up, hitting some pads with Floyd Mayweather. “Left right left right left right.” - Side note: Ali vs. McMahon in their primes, McMahon wins because he has more money.

Carlito comes in at the same time as DX and complains about not being on the show. McMahon turns his attention to Carlito just when Triple H makes a comment about boning Stephanie.

Carlito gets walloped by an errant (or not-so-errant) McMahon fist.

DX-McMahon vs. Legacy (no DQ)

Things start off quickly, as Trips tosses HBK onto Legacy, and they single out Cody Rhodes. It was Rhodes right? Eh, it doesn’t matter. Seconds later they toss Cody back outside onto Legacy knocking them down again.

After that it was a very VERY typical match. Atomic Ass Busters from HBK, Stompings from Orton … and a Pedigree seconds before the main-event of RAW ends. Typical.

Trips hits a Pedigree and calls in Daddy-in-law to get the easy pin. However Orton has different plans, and after saving his team from the inadequacy of a pinfall loss, he opts for the inadequacy of a countout, even though it’s a no DQ match.

But, it’s been a very John Cena-less night, and much to my chagrin, I forgot about him completely. It was pretty nice. SOOO his titantron lights up and Orton is up a creek without a paddle.

Sweet Chin Music, Attitude Adjustment, McMahon pins Orton. BREAK IT DOWN.

6/10. Pretty fun night with DX and the McMahon juggernaut. They’re just like kids. Dare I say it was adorable when HHH put his head on Vince’s shoulder and smiled like a 4 year old high on candy.

So that’s the show, but wait! I’ve got two weeks’ worth of thoughts. Some of these might go better after having watched last week’s RAW, but oh well. They’re great.

-         WWE should stop doing those poll things, because the fans have been predicting the main event with like 87% accuracy. Sad.

-         The wrestlers who look like they’re in the best shape are the ones who don’t wrestle a lot. Chavo Guerrero and Matt Striker are prime examples. Santino Marella is also well-rested and did you see how buff he looked?

-         When Marella pulled a finger gun on Shawn Michaels last week he received the fakest SCM of the century.

-         I thought DX would dump horse crap on Randy Orton at the end of the show, because we never knew what they had in store for Vince before Legacy interrupted.

-         Floyd Mayweather was less annoying this time around.

-         Chuck Norris for guest host!

-         And finally, why isn’t The Big Show a heavy drinker? Andre made it work.

Well, this was Vince-Stigation, I’m sorry for any grammatical errors but then again I don’t give a flying fish.

Viva Vince.