Monday Night Vince-stigation for 08/10/09

Hello destitute public. Instead of running down some numbers, let’s run down some facts.

-         Sgt. Slaughter is the most win ever.

-         Chris Jericho is cheered in Canada (we’ve seen it before)

-         Speaking of, the new team is called “Jeri-Show”, apparently. Signs never lie. In Canada.

-         And finally: Jack Swagger is the next BROCK LESNAR.

So they promise us a great main event, and Randy Orton is out first, so it makes me wonder.

He starts talking, about this, and that, and John Cena comes out to deliver a promo that gets staler and staler each time we see it, but would probably be scary if you had to stand face to face with him while he did it.

The new “Jeri-Show” team comes out and begins to ruin one of the best shows (potentially) RAW has seen in a long time. Sure, Y2J gets a nice pop in this bizarre world known as America’s hat, but they take Sgt. Slaughter’s screen time away. It’s really the first time they haven’t had a guest GM make matches in the heat of the moment.

They both say “Uh he told us to tell you that he said…” and it turns out it’ll be Y2J vs. John Cena (4 months of last year’s PPV matches) and RKO vs. The Big Show (which I predict will end in a DQ)

Now I’m about to do something very special for you guys. Something you probably haven’t seen in a year.

Diva Fatal-4-Way

OMG! Vince is covering a match with women! It isn’t because of the criticisms I’ve received, it’s because when RAW went to commercial I turned it back too late, and saw a women’s match already in progress. At first I thought it was a team face vs. team heel tornado match (yawn) but everyone was attacking everyone.

In the first Diva’s match that has truly impressed me in YEARS, (we saw TNA-caliber talent, and not just Gail Kim’s) the hottest Asian woman (or only Asian woman?) WWE has ever had pick up the win. And she will challenge whoever holds what title (I don’t know the champion’s name or what the belt is called) at Summerfest.

Winner: Gail Kim – 7/10 just for making me watch Divas. And care.

Sgt. Slaughter is in Canada! He gets only a lukewarm response until he says he respects our hat – I mean – neighbors of the north, and gets a massive pop. When he leads Canada to a salute to their flag I get a little disappointed, until the Sarge PUNKS them and says the American pledge of allegiance.

Apparently, Triple H will be searching an office building somewhere in San Antonio, Texas, in an effort to reach Shawn Michaels, not X-Pac. -10 for Team Vince for being wrong.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger part 3

The matches between these two went from delicious, to stale, to torture, much like a greasy tamale.

After another THREE intense minutes of wrestling, Jack hits the powerbomb and it’s all over.

Winner: Jack Swagger – 3/10. They need to do something better if all they want is for MVP to come out and act completely different than he has for the last 3 years. *Face turns can suck*.

So, like a brave hero, MVP comes down and challenges Jack Swagger not 10 seconds after he just got done with a match, and the announcers jump on Swagger for not accepting to fight. Jack is pushed down and the crowd chants MVP’s name.

If you had told me 2 months ago that I’d have to hate MVP, I’d have said NO WAY. Well. Way.

*BEST MATCH OF THE NIGHT ALERT*

Contract on a pole match, YEE-HAW!

Eugene (yes, the retarded Nick Dinsmore from OVW) vs. The Calgary Kid

The Kid, named after the Canadian city RAW is in, is an obvious favorite. A Canadian luchador, perhaps?

I can say before this match I am rooting for Eugene so hard. Because The Calgary Kid seems at first, like a really… really…untalented version of Santino Marella. No more local miracles!

So the Kid starts things off by pointing “Look!” and Eugene, the lovable oaf, looks. TCK almost gets the contract, and after what really amounted to about a minute of pushing each other, shoved Eugene off the post and gained a WWE contract.

Winner: The Calgary Kid – 0/10 BOO! Oh no! What have they done? A weak face beats Eugene! No! And what’s he doing now? Helping Eugene? He…

Ultimate win! The Calgary Kid slams Eugene to the mat and takes off his mask revealing… THE MIZ! AND HE IS AWESOME. Change the rating to 10/10. It looks like he won’t be banned from RAW… or Summerfest.

P.S. The Miz looks cut when he isn’t wearing a pancho.

Big Show vs. Randy Orton (I predicted DQ)

Randy Orton looks like a mortally wounded ghost, if that makes any sense, as Big Show approaches the ring. He tries a sucker punch – and that’s all she wrote.

Big Show tears Orton a new one, and he does the thing that should break peoples’ necks but doesn’t. We saw him pick up Kofi Kingston by the neck last week in a very awkward manner, and I guess Randy Orton is just as flexible.

Since conventional means of neck-breaking won’t work on RKO, The Big Show hits him with a Showtopper Chokeslam for the 3-count, but NO! His foot is on the rope.

As Big Show muscles himself up getting ready for the KO punch, Randy ducks out of the ring and is disqualified via countout.

Winner: Big Show via countout. Action was pretty good, I won’t lie. And Randy Orton has been on such a streak for the last 2 years, these last couple weeks of everyone beating him up have been pretty refreshing. 6/10 even with a bad ending… and I predicted it correctly. Go me.

Triple H is picked up on the Tron, and he’s searching a building in Texas. He mistakes some guy for HBK, and says “Hey sexy boy, I missed you” or something like that.

This guy turns around, gives Trips the eye, and says “I get off at theven.” Trips responds with the line of the night. “Yeah, I bet you do.”

HHH retreats towards the kitchen, or cafeteria of this building and runs into Shawn Michaels! After a brief dialogue Shawn explains he is not a cook, he’s a CHEF, and shows off his hat. He talks about being respected and good at what he does… just in time for a little girl to yell at him about some poorly-prepared tator tots and the kitchen catches on fire.

MVP vs. Chris Masters

So here comes MVP, who was ready to fight Jack Swagger when he already had a match scheduled (feels like WCW) and the Masterpiece is out next.

Even if MVP wasn’t a total good-guy dingleberry (alas!) I’d be rooting for Masters simply because NO ONE CAN ESCAP TEH MASTERLOK.

After a few minutes of decent showing off, Masters pumps MVP onto his shoulder for some kind of badass slam, but MVP counters into the Playmaker, the lamest finisher in history, picks up the win.

Winner: MVP- This match is 5/10, and that may seem generous… but… well. Yeah, it is generous. I’m just glad Masters is back, and while losing, they still push his Masterlock through the roof. I think he’s here to stay.

Sgt. Slaughter is back out and tells Canada that hey, he was just fooling around. And that he wants to make it up to them. Although Canada may never warm up to the Sarge, he says that they might be happy to see The Best There Was…

 *(and the rest is cut off by a gigantic sound from the crowd)*

Bret Hart’s music hits *BweeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeooo* and even with the crowd as loud as it was, that music always makes it seem louder. After a few seconds of nothing, the fans in Canada sense a lie, and begin to call Sgt’s mother a …

HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And out comes Hacksaw Jim Duggan, touting the old glory, the flag of the United States. He gets boo’d (what the hell?) as we go into a segment.

Triple H is talking to HBK when his manager comes in. “Hickenbottom! Hickenbottom! What’s this I hear of a grease fire?! I could replace you!”

As this guy spouts off, Triple H asks Shawn about the name Hickenbottom (real world reference FTW) and HBK says it’s to protect his identity. After some more yelling, the manager guy insults Triple H.

This appears to be the final straw, as Michaels lets Sweet Chin Music FLY. *THWACK*

Shawn says he’s down with Triple H for a cheap pop, then targets the little girl who was bothering him earlier. He launches a kick, and although they didn’t show FOOT + FACE, the little girl was cut off in mid-sentence and her lunch tray went flying. Yay.

Mark Henry & Horny vs. Legacy

Apparently Chavo Guerrero was supposed to be in this match but eh.

Henry dominates those two skinny white guys like a prison bear. He pushes Cody out of the ring and hits the Strongest Slam on Ted Jr. He pulls his victim over to the corner, presumably for the tadpole splash. *gun in mouth*

But before Hornswoggle can do it, Ted is up! Cody helps get rid of Mark Henry, and now it’s easy pickings on the midget.

Dream Street is nailed, just like Hornswoggle’s head to the canvas.

Winners: Legacy.  7/10. I actually wasn’t expecting this. But I have a theory. They only won because Shawn Michaels is returning… because…

After the match they cut a promo against this potential return of DX. And if we aren’t down with that… “Too bad.”

So it’s not a bad night so far right? WAIT! NO! NOOOO!

I said that to myself as I tried to catch the words floating up to the ceiling. I tried to find the duct tape. Because I just tempted fate. And sure enough…

Y2J is backstage with Big Show after an interview with Josh Matthews. He says the people in Canada love him, because they’re stupid, and he can use it against John Cena. All this before he realizes the camera is still rolling.

So they made him a real heel again JUST before fighting John “My middle name is Felix” Cena. Craptacular.

Y2J vs. John Cena

Decent back and forth action. (No that isn’t copied from an online review)

But it seems all-too-soon that Randy Orton runs in to hurt Cena. The bell is called (WWE.com apparently declared Cena the winner) and chaos ensues.

Winner: Who cares. Rating. No.

Y2J hits the CodeBreaker on Cena and then pimp slaps Randy Orton as I use this to make myself feel better. Orton pushes Y2J and Big Show pushes Orton, although he should have done the Goldust butt bump.

Sgt. Slaughter comes out and announces Jeri-Show vs. Orton & Cena for next week, then they hit a bunch of finishers on each other.

So that’s it.

Instead of a bunch of things to think about, like normal, here’s one BIG thing.

I saved this, especially for you. Sarge came out in the middle of the show to have Jillian Hall sing a patriotic American song, and Cole and Lawler did a double team on the best announcing call of the week, guaranteed.

You see, Sgt. Slaughter introduced her as “Celine Dion” …SIKE!

So this is how it went down.

Michael Cole: “Well she isn’t Celine Dion, but this IS the Titanic.”

BAM. Then Jerry follows up:

“Jillian’s much prettier with her mouth closed.” – I’ll leave that to your imaginations. The only way it could have been more win is if Lawler said, “And how many girls can you say that ABOOT?”

Aaah, me. Well, I apologize for any grammatical errors and I think I got some Slaughter/DX segments out of order, but my way is better. Until next time.

Viva Vince.

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