Monday Night Vince-stigation for 07/20/09

Hello destitute public, let’s run down some more numbers. I liked numbers last week.

800. – The approximate number of views on my article last week. Soaring popularity makes me randy.

54. – The number of comments, most of them hate-filled towards each other, not me, that we saw last week.

3. – The number of times this week’s RAW made me want to throw up.

1. – The number of times Mr. Indy has to censor my vulgar writing or add the word “alas” to the end of a sentence for me to straight up quit, thus depriving you once more of my voluptuousness. =)

And my favorite…

97. – The number of points for Team Vince last week. Even though it was supposed to be by fives…

We’ve been promised a main event. Again. How many people can roll their eyes in unison?

Okay, just to let you know what happened last week – Triple H came out first thing to introduce the host, Orton came out and made threats, then Cena & Triple H were placed in a tag match main event against Legacy.

THIS week, Cena came out first thing to introduce ZZ top as the hosts, Orton came out and made some threats, Triple H saved the day and is now in a tag match main event against Legacy.

This stuff writes itself.

I should mention it IS another hot crowd tonight, RAW has either been canning cheers smoothly or has just picked some great cities – because it certainly isn’t the quality of the show that’s gone up.

It should ALSO be mentioned that: Oh Mah God, Triple H doesn’t care about winning the title as long as Randy Orton loses.

Santino Marella is backstage goofing around with ZZ Top, and how could they possible goof this up? We get some cheap giggles when Santino says his-ah most-ah favoritest band of all the times, ZuhZTOP, is in da house.

However, things quickly deteriorate and they make it into a joke about one of their songs, which plays in the background as the greatest guitar players in the world BADLY mime actually playing the songs.

They do this about thrice in 2 hours so I’ll just skip the ones after this.

21, no, let me spell that out, TWENTY-ONE MINUTES into the show, Kofi Kingston’s music sounds as we get ready for our FIRST MATCH.

Kofi, MVP, and Primo vs. Carlito, Big Show, and Jack Swagger

After a flurry of offense, MVP is in and hits his BALLIN elbow drop on Swagger very early in the match, which sends team heel to the outside for a commercial break.

Big Show is yelling at his guys while team face looks on. Big Show looks massive compared to everyone but Jack Swagger. Is he the next Brock Lesnar?

Back from break – and here comes the greatest few minutes of wrestling all week long.

Big Show tries his new UBERSPEAR on Primo but nails Carlito instead. Primo uses this opportunity to fly higher than Rey Mysterio and Chris Benoit combined, with a springboard headbutt thingy, from across the ring, to pin his brother and win the match.

Winners: Team Face -

The crowd pops massively for the win, but sadly for Primo, I think the cheering was more for the exciting sequence than for him. After the match was just as good though - 6.5/10.

After the match Big Show lays everyone on team face out like a pancake. He even catches Kingston off the top rope. When Jack Swagger tries to congratulate him, he eats a chokeslam.

After all, they ARE opponents at this Sunday’s 6-Pack Challenge for the US title. When was the last time we heard the phrase 6-Pack challenge? Memories.

Backstage, Chris Jericho breaks his own rules about being nice to a face general manager, as he compliments ZZ Top and talks about his own band, Fozzy. After Dusty Hill mumbles something about whuhbuh buhbuh, the announcers have to tell us that ZZ Top doesn’t know who Fozzy is.

Chris Jericho gets mad and is matched up against Mark Henry again this week.

“HOW!? HOW Can I beat Mark Henry?”

Buh-how-how-how-how… segue into another badly mimed song.

The Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry Lawler

After the segment we’re taken to the announce table, where TBK is screaming something arrogant at King, so King cuts off Lilian Garcia and announces… HIMSELF as TBK’s opponent.

Typical JERRY chants for the Hall of Famer, and Kendrick controls most of the match, all 45 seconds of it.

After some smack-talking, Kendrick says the corniest thing ever. Watch the tape on youtube if you don’t believe me.

“You got nothing, Jerry. And now, I finish you!”

He goes into his “The Kendrick” finisher but Lawler counters and after some fake looking Lawler punches he hits his second-rope fake Lawler punch.

Winner: Jerry Lawler. – Way to bury a young man. 1/10

Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho (w/ zero chance of being counted out this week)

Well, I said it last week. If Mark Henry wins by another 10-count, his face push is over.

Henry pounds Y2J early on in the match, until Jericho starts working his legs. At one point he tries to lock in the Walls of Jericho, like that was going to work, and got tossed for his efforts.

After some running around the ring, Henry catches Jericho in mid-air from a Code Breaker, and whips up a batch of Chris Jericho-flavored flapjacks with a World’s Strongest (Wettest) Slam.

Chris rolls out of the ring and dishes out a wicked chair shot to Henry’s back. He tries another but Mark Henry catches the chair and slowly pulls it down, like an open window, to reveal a smiling face.

Mark Henry is really good at that. For the second week in a row, Y2J soils his pants like a fresh cadaver.

Winner: Mark Henry via DQ – Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a 10-count… but it wasn’t exactly a pinfall. I decree that NEXT week is the cutoff for Henry. If he doesn’t win or lose decisively against a heel, I will denounce him. – 4/10.

ZZ Top is still backstage and Chavo Guerrero stops by, apparently pissed about Hornswoggle’s victories.

Instead of a Tuxedo match (as if anyone knows the rules to that anyway) they play off another one of their song titles and make Chavo vs. Horny in a Well-Dressed-Man match or something like that.

Lilian Garcia tries to introduce it as a “Tuxedo match well-dressed-match… *off mic* huh, I know! *back on mic* … The winner will be.. wait..”

And the music hits, with the live audience I still guess clueless as to the rules of the match.

Hornswoggle won again, and Chavo was supposed to be embarrassed to be in his boxers. I don’t see why, because he has really nice legs.

His boxers, by the way, were twice as big as anything Randy Orton has ever worn, and yes, I am allowing for the size difference between the two men.

Backstage-ah-palooza!

Cena and Triple H talk. It turns out HHH actually DOES want the title.

ZZ Top and some Divas talk. It turns out they do another song pun about nice legs.

Chris Jericho and Legacy talk. It turns out that Legacy is trippin, because Randy Orton might be Jericho’s surprise partner.

The Announcers tell us Shaq is going to guest-host next week, and as it turns out… Shaq is going to guest-host next week.

We’ve been hinted that Shaq might have a match too, because his new reality show is about him, taking on other athletes at their respective sports.

More “Main Event” Build up

We’re working on about 15 minutes with no action in the ring area when ZZ Top comes out to promote their summer tour and DVD.

John Cena & Triple H vs. Legacy (Including Randy Orton)

 This is the part of the show I truly regret having to report. Because when the WWE gives me thesame old you know what to work with, I, by proxy, give YOU the same old **** to read.

AGAIN, if this were the old ECW arena, the city would explode, but you wouldn’t guess it judging from the fan reaction.

Team FACE won and Legacy was pissed outside the ring. Snzzzz.

Raw rating: 3.5/10. I hope Shaq no-shows next week so they need another 7 foot 300 pound athlete to host RAW. A big… red…

ANYWAY.

Some things to consider -

-         I don’t cover any diva’s matches when I can avoid it. Tell me if you think this is a plus five points idea.

-         For the first 90 minutes of the show, I was almost POSITIVE that ZZ Top wasn’t even in the arena. Did it seem that way to you?

-         Watching WWE a month ago with no Kane, Undertaker, and HBK is a grim reminder of things to come. Who’s gonna step up?

-         Randy Orton will win, as will CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, Big Show or Swagger, Tommy Dreamer, and Team Y2J. Accept it.

Viva Vince.

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Alas.

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